Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “Power struggles are the greatest enemy of marriage”

   

President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan participated in the “Effective Intra-Family Communication” seminar organized by the Elazığ Branch of the Women’s Division of the Anatolian Youth Association (Anadolu Gençlik Derneği). During the online seminar, Tarhan emphasized that power struggles are the greatest threat to marriage. He explained the impact of capitalism on family communication, stating that capitalism raises expectations, leading people toward impatience and ingratitude. Tarhan described trust as an atmosphere and stressed that rules within family communication should be clear and transparent. 

The seminar was moderated by Clinical Psychologist Zeynep Akılotu.

“Power struggles are the greatest enemy of marriage”

Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan noted that there are three types of communication in the family: “The first is healthy communication, the second is conflictual communication, and the third is non-communication. The worst of these is non-communication because it means both parties have lost hope in one another. They no longer even try to convince each other. This situation is worse than conflictual communication. Today, there are three main reasons for the breakdown in family communication. The first is ego battles and selfishness. Statements like ‘What I say goes,’ ‘My money, your mother,’ turn into personality clashes, severely damaging communication. These types of power struggles are the greatest enemy of marriage and family interaction. The second is the normalization of lying within the family. When one partner lies and this becomes accepted, trust erodes. A loss of trust leads to increased conflict and infidelity. The foundation of a home is not love, but trust because love gives birth to trust. Where there is love, fear decreases, and trust increases. Where love is weak, fear increases and trust is harmed. Lying in the family also negatively affects love, respect, and loyalty. The third factor is impatience and haste. Impatience causes over-criticism. Unrealistic expectations damage the relationship. These are significant factors that negatively impact family communication.”

“The capitalist system raises expectations”

Speaking about capitalism's effect on family communication, Tarhan said: “Marriages usually begin with good intentions and positive expectations. However, one of the threats brought by modernism is portraying love as the fundamental condition for marriage. The notion of ‘No love, no marriage’ has become widespread. In reality, love is not a cause but a result in marriage. Couples who view love as the starting point often marry because they are in love, but six months later that love evaporates. Real love develops and becomes lasting when built on cooperation and shared responsibility. If couples can establish a healthy partnership, even the most difficult personalities can live in harmony. Numerous studies and theses support this. Even incompatible personalities can sustain a marriage if they collaborate well. Two saintly people who can’t cooperate cannot maintain a marriage. Two grumpy individuals who do cooperate can still build a beautiful relationship. Another issue that disrupts communication in marriage is unrealistic expectations, expecting things from your partner that they cannot provide. Especially comparing your spouse or relationship with others is among the most common causes of arguments and conflicts in marriages.

Where there is impatience, there is also ingratitude. People are no longer able to find happiness in small things. Instead of appreciating what they have, they always want more. This is one of capitalism’s greatest harms to the family—it continually raises the level of expectation.”

Trust is an atmosphere…

Discussing the role of trust in family communication, Tarhan said: “Trust is an atmosphere. Like air, certain conditions must be met for it to exist. In open, transparent, and honest relationships, trust forms naturally. Love is a powerful bond that holds people together. It is often said that love is the force that keeps the universe turning and it is true. But what matters is the quality of that love. Selfish love, that is, love that says, ‘I will love you if you do this’, is conditional and harmful. For instance, if a mother approaches her child with this kind of love, the child learns to see love as a tool of pressure. They feel both love and resentment. This can cause the child to distance themselves from the family during adolescence. Love without empathy is not real love. What we need is love nourished by empathy and mutual understanding. This kind of love is actually called compassion. Compassion is essential in relationships between parents and children. However, in a spousal relationship, compassion can sometimes be harmful, especially when one partner starts to view the other like a child. In such cases, what’s more appropriate is mercy. Mercy is a love that seeks to understand the other, respects their rights, and responds to their needs. In relationships, not just love but also respect is crucial. If love is water, then respect is the container. In some societies, respect is based on fear, and this is a result of authoritarian structures. Real respect is one that is nurtured with empathy. This is called courtesy. Courtesy is a more evolved form of respect; it is a manner that avoids hurting others. Therefore, if a mother and father want to create a secure and trusting environment at home, the rules in the relationship must be clear and transparent.”

"People with low self-confidence wear masks"

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that individuals with low self-confidence and narcissistic tendencies often wear masks in social relationships: “People with low self-confidence wear masks. Those who are not at peace with themselves wear masks because they believe their true personalities would make them appear worthless. People who are transparent, honest, and consistent inside and out do not need masks. They don’t lie. Those who lie wear masks. People who view lying as a way to seek justice or reach their goals, those who say the end justifies the means, are mask-wearers. These individuals, thanks to their masks, may deceive many, but it doesn't last long. Truth eventually comes out, especially in close relationships, lies are always exposed sooner or later. When that happens, trust collapses. Masked individuals normalize lying and act based on self-interest. People with low self-confidence are generally masked. Narcissists take this even further. Their sense of justice is only self-directed. They see themselves as special, important, and superior. Anything that threatens their perfection is perceived as an enemy. Even a minor criticism is treated like an attack, and they react with hostility. These people are toxic. They may even play the victim to achieve their goals. They may act humble, but once they get what they want, they disregard others completely. That’s why one must be cautious when dealing with such toxic individuals.”

"The important thing is to remain 'I' while becoming 'we'"

Emphasizing that arguments can be a tool to reveal the truth, Tarhan said that “There must be room for storms in a marriage. Occasional conflicts are part of married life. Think of being in a small boat if one side rocks it and the other reacts the same way, the boat capsizes. A wise person gives their partner the right to vent in that moment. Once the storm passes, they can calmly say, ‘I’m putting up with this for the sake of our marriage, but what you did wasn’t right.’ This can be said without even engaging in a fight. If necessary, one can leave the room and withdraw temporarily. This reflects the concept of hijrah (temporary withdrawal) in our culture. If both sides try to correct each other in the heat of the moment, ego battles emerge. That’s why discussing issues when emotions are high is not wise, such conversations usually turn into power struggles. Spouses begin trying to dominate each other. In reality, arguments should be for discovering the truth. We should ask: ‘What can we do for the good of our marriage?’ The important thing is to become ‘we’ while preserving the ‘I’.”

"Children who get what they want without effort are like flowers grown in a greenhouse"

Emphasizing the importance of teaching children responsibility, Tarhan said: “The period from ages 0–6 is the most critical stage where the foundation of personality is laid. During this time, children cannot yet grasp abstract concepts, so they view their parents as heroes. They learn moral values, that is, what is right and wrong, good and bad, useful and harmful from their families. Neuroscientific data confirms that personality foundations are built during this stage. A child's fragility at this time stems from not being given sufficient responsibility. Children who are given everything on a silver platter and get what they want without effort become like greenhouse flowers, that is, fragile and easily broken by the smallest storm. If we want a child to be a resilient individual, they must be given responsibilities from an early age. Tasks like tidying their room, brushing their teeth, helping their mother at home, and supporting their father outside build strength. A child who takes responsibility becomes the captain of their own ship. They learn to stand on their own feet. Psychologically resilient individuals remain strong in the face of challenges. To raise a resilient child, their emotional and cognitive capacities must be developed early. While physical exercise is beneficial for bodily strength, true resilience comes from inner strength against adversity.”

"If we want to instill values in our children, we must first live those values ourselves"

Comparing values to traffic signs, Tarhan said that “Values cannot be taught through lectures or sermons. Turning breakfast into a life lesson every day is far more effective. Values are learned through life experience. Values are like traffic signs for humans. Just as signs help us stay on the right road in traffic, values help us reach our goals without error. If we can teach our children these three things, they will have a solid foundation of values: ‘Earn through your own efforts,’ ‘Have values,’ and ‘Live with honor.’ A child who earns through effort learns to stand on their own. They will not constantly lean on others. They become strong and less fragile. That’s why setting goals worth striving for is essential for children. If we, as parents, want to pass on values, we must first provide education rich in values. For example, if we want to teach honesty, talking about it for hours may result in the child listening and even respecting us, but they will not internalize the value. Honesty is learned through silent education through our actions, behavior, and daily opportunities. Therefore, if we want our children to gain values, we must first live those values ourselves. Parents are the first role models in a child’s life.”

“This requires a mental investment”

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that children should be educated through methods of persuasion, convincing, and endearment: “Children raised in authoritarian cultures generally develop in two ways. First, they may appear quiet, calm, and obedient from the outside. However, when circumstances change, they may turn into children who no longer respect their parents and harbor deep-seated anger. That’s why suppressing a child, especially under today’s conditions, is far riskier. There are two methods of educating a child: one through pressure, threats, fear, and intimidation; the other through appreciation, praise, persuasion, and convincing. The method of today is unquestionably the second. 100–200 years ago, children might have been educated through fear under the belief that ‘a beating is a blessing from heaven.’ At that time, society was more closed off, and even if children misbehaved, the boundaries were clearer. Now the world is digitalized, and evil is accessible from all directions. In this era, a child must not be frightened into obedience but persuaded into it willingly. This can only be achieved through convincing, persuading, and making them love the right values. If you want to teach your child honesty, diligence, and having goals, you must first ask yourself: ‘How can I teach these to my child?’ This requires mental investment. Every young person wants to be valued, to be taken seriously, to be treated with respect. When a child feels valued by their family, they internalize the family’s values. Then, there is no need to fear because they are no longer just listening to you, they are understanding you. In conflicts between parents and children, most of the time it is the adults who lose. Therefore, there is no need for war.”

“There are things within our control, and things beyond it”

Addressing the impact of the Elazığ earthquake, Tarhan said that “Türkiye is in an earthquake zone. We need to accept this reality. As a society and culture, we have a weak spot when it comes to earthquakes. After an earthquake, we often see remarkable acts of solidarity. Aid trucks rushed to Kahramanmaraş, and people helped each other tremendously, which is a beautiful thing. However, there's a more important truth: being able to manage risk before the earthquake happens, and being prepared. If your home is safe, structurally sound, and you’ve taken precautions, then you’ve done what’s within your power, and that’s when the distinction between what we can and cannot control comes into play. In psychology, this is called ‘radical acceptance.’ When a person is faced with something they cannot change, they must be able to say: ‘Yes, I cannot change this, and it is beyond my control,’ and accept it. This is not just about Elazığ, but true for all of Türkiye. Geographically and geologically, we live in such a land. We are not in control of nature, and we are not the masters of it. In such cases, think of the world as a sea and ourselves as a ship. No ship can sail without a captain. People with strong spirituality and solid belief systems are better able to cope with such situations. We even conduct post-earthquake trauma and growth assessments, and we see that spiritually strong individuals are more resilient in the face of disasters. In that sense, we can say that those with strong faith are more fortunate.”

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)